You've activated my trap card!

Next time your dog walks up to you looking for some loving, I want you to try something for me. Test the waters, if you will.

I think Mr. Milan was on to something. I remember seeing him on TV, and he used to always poke the dogs right under their front armpits. I’m sure he had many more secrets, but that particular thing stuck with me.

Remember, I’m trying to stay in the moment, always. When the dog walks up to me, I pet it.

One random day (within the last year) I started really digging in on my girlfriend’s bitch’s armpit (nice), and after a moment she sat down and became noticeably calmer. I said huh, so without thinking I started rubbing her booty. All that back muscle really piles up on their haunches, and they love getting butt-rubs, don’ they? There really is a lot of meat back there, even proportionately so for the little guys.

This is where something starts to click. I’ve essentially been reorganizing my lower back, leg, and hip muscles with yoga, and I was noticing some freedom clawing its way up my back and neck. Suddenly, the “Roxie Rubdown” was reintroduced into my life. An old friend of mine, the kindest person you’ll ever meet, used to give his little dog the “Roxie Rubdown” back in high school. Basically a full body massage. Special thanks to PKL! Everybody CAN sing.

Everything happens for a reason.

Cut to a montage of me massaging this little princess for the next hour, finding all of the stress and anxiety she’s always yapping about. Folks, once the butt muscles loosen up, move to the neck.

Most importantly, LISTEN TO YOUR DOG. They will show you where to go.

After you massage their scalp and neck for a bit, you will be able to PULL their muscles down. I’m talking deep myofascial tissue massage here. They will MELT in your hands, shower your face with kisses - If you’re lucky, you might get even some deep growls of gratitude. I promise you this might be the greatest thing I have ever learned. When the session is over, they will hop up, shake it off, and then watch over a week or two as they start to look younger. They will also have more energy, so be prepared for a bigger, smarter, “puppy” if you will.

Now with the nature of the internet nowadays, I have zero faith that any of you will actually try this. I’m just a looney tune speaking in obscure, unrelated metaphors and pop-culture references rambling about saving the planet.

Did anyone see the red river BTW? Black devil fish? How are things going otherwise?

I promise you, on my mother’s life, you can teach an old dog new tricks.